Pluck

I know. I know there are things such as razors and electric shavers. I know these are things and that they exist.

But this is more than a morning routine to get rid of an unsightly five-o-clock shadow.

This is a transformation.

If I have to pick each one of these little bastard black hairs from my arms and shoulders and stomach and legs, then I will.

I will pluck and I will hurt and at times I will bleed.

You wouldn’t want to know somebody that’s never been through an ounce of pain.

When I’m finished, everybody will want to know me.

Brackets

In an effort to allay public concern and in commitment to this office’s pledge of transparency, we are releasing the following document related to the recent event.

———————————————————————

OFFICE OF [REDACTED]

Sometime between the hours of 2am and 3am on [REDACTED]/[REDACTED]/[REDACTED] in the rural town of [REDACTED], Mrs. [REDACTED], who was awakened at these hours to “attend to biology” (her words), reportedly saw through her bathroom window a strange light maneuvering in unusual ways.

After Mrs. [REDACTED] finished “attending to biology” (she was unwilling to provide any specific details as to how long this particular activity took), she ran to the bedroom to wake Mr. [REDACTED] because she thought it was an event he might be interested in, due to the fact that Mr. [REDACTED] having, on previous occasions, shown great interest in these types of phenomenons.

Sometime between the hours of [REDACTED] Mrs. and Mr. [REDACTED] walked to the front porch of their house in rural [REDACTED] to get a better view of these lights that were behaving in an unusual and slightly suspicious manner.

According to [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] [REDACTED], they were only on their [REDACTED] porch for [REDACTED] minutes or what felt like [REDACTED] minutes (they could not be sure) before the lights in the sky that are behaving in an [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] manner appeared to increase in luminosity, leading [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] [REDACTED] to conclude that they, the lights, were moving closer.

Shortly after [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] [REDACTED] became suspicious that the [REDACTED] were moving closure, an event took place to confirm that suspicion.

One of the [REDACTED] lights in the sky ceased moving and began to pulse. A bright white hot beam emanated from the [REDACTED] forcing [REDACTED] [REDACTED] to shield her eyes.

Once [REDACTED] [REDACTED] opened her [REDACTED] she notice that [REDACTED] [REDACTED] was no longer with her on the [REDACTED] [REDACTED]. And the [REDACTED] that were behaving [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] were also [REDACTED].

[REDACTED] [REDACTED] ran back in to the [REDACTED] and called [REDACTED] to report the [REDACTED] of [REDACTED].

Local [REDACTED] interviewed [REDACTED] [REDACTED] about the [REDACTED] of [REDACTED] [REDACTED]. They [REDACTED] her that they would [REDACTED].

In [REDACTED] days the [REDACTED] of [REDACTED] [REDACTED] was found in [REDACTED]. It had been [REDACTED] beyond [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] were used to make an official [REDACTED].

After the [REDACTED] of [REDACTED], the [REDACTED] of [REDACTED] were [REDACTED] for [REDACTED]. Since the [REDACTED] of [REDACTED], the [REDACTED] of [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED].

———————————————————————-

We can confidently assure the citizens of this great country that this is everything we know.

You are safe.

Coup

Outside

It was a strange sight to see. Almost surreal. The day itself was fine, almost perfect. A balmy 62 degrees with the sun lazily inching towards the horizon, slower than usual it seemed, as if it too wanted to see how this would all play out.

The weird part of it all was where it was taking place and the particular participants involved. In fact, before the whole ordeal was over, there would be six accidents from motorists rubbernecking in disbelief.

SWAT vans in the parking lot and in the after school pick-up line. Snipers trying to awkwardly steady themselves on the monkey bars, preparing for the worst-case-scenario. Officers in full riot gear, semi-circled around the entrance. Higher ranking officials pacing nervously behind them.

“Are we really doing this?” Captain Davies asked. “I mean, are we seriously considering this?”

“I think we might have to,” Lt. McConnell said. “The rules of engagement might dictate it.”

“Breaching?”

“Breaching.”

“Into a fucking middle school cafeteria?”

“I think we might have to.”

———————————————————————

Inside

The atmosphere in the cafeteria was somewhat calm, considering the circumstances outside. Sure, visually it was a mess. Chili dogs had been the lunch special. And every last bit of what had been served, prepped, and still-frozen was splattered on the floors, walls, small bits stuck to small sections of the ceiling.

Mrs. Williams and Mrs. Jenkins sat on the floor leaning against the serving line, hands tied behind their backs with makeshift hairnet-handcuffs.

“What in the fuck are we going to do?” asked Jeff Linely, pacing frantically as if to demonstrate that he obviously wasn’t in charge of the situation. “What in the ever-loving fuck are we going to do?”

“Just let me think!” Sam Kinson said. “I just need to think.”

Lacy Mathis and Karl Sandler huddled under one of the cafeteria tables. Considerably younger than Jeff and Sam, they were confused as to just how exactly they found themselves in this position. It was only Tuesday. They were both missing drama club, though they were sure it had probably been canceled. All things considered.

“This was a stupid idea,” Jeff said. “Just stupid. How in the ever-loving-fuck did you talk me in to this, Sam? How?”

“Talk you—talk you in to it? It was your idea, fuckface. Diversity of choice. Inclusion. What about the poor peanut allergy kids, you said. What about poor gluten-intolerant Lacy, you said. Talk you into. Fuck off, Jeff. Just fuck right off.”

“I didn’t mean this! I was just trying to look out for those that can’t look out for themselves. Lacy won’t speak up! Somebody has to. But I didn’t mean this!”

Lacy poked her head out and yelled, “My mom packs my lunch!”

———————————————————————

Outside

At this point, the snipers were well into the third round of a fierce bracket-based competition of chicken on the monkey bars. The officers outfitted in riot gear were swiping left and right (mostly right) on Tinder. This included all of the single officers and a few of those in fully committed monogamous relationships too.

“We’re going to have to make a decision,” Captain Davies said. “We can’t just stand here and let this turn into some type of Waco-esque situation.”

“Seriously. Waco?” Lt. McConnell said, rubbing his eyes. “But I see your point, the drama of that statement notwithstanding.”

“So? What’s the call?”

“The ball’s in their court right now.”

“They’re in the cafeteria, sir. Not the gym.”

“Captain.”

“Yes?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

———————————————————————

It wouldn’t take days and nights and the use of psychological torture tactics to end the standoff. They would be no fire. There would be no eventual breach and no casualties on either side. There would be no investigation, no books written about the subject, no documentaries,and no limited series based on the event on any of the many streaming services.

In short, it would not turn into a Waco-esque situation.

It ended peacefully and in such an uneventful manner that is not even worth writing about.

Two things did come out of the whole ordeal though.

1. The school board agreed, quickly and unanimously, to expand the offerings in the cafeteria.

2. Jeff and Sam learned that the food in juvenile detention could use some improvement.

Sister

I was worried after she told me. Small town in the south. I’d by lying if I said I wasn’t worried.

Truth be told, it took me a while to get used to using those pronouns too. I’m not proud of it, but it’s the truth.

“Just be careful,” I told her. And I hate myself for saying that and for feeling the need to say that.

I hate it for turning out to be true.

Most of the family were less than receptive. And I had to fight like hell. And they won’t talk to me anymore, a lot of them.

But the tombstone reads “Jackie” instead of “Jack.”

Because it should.

Mention

Kevin Murphy: It wasn’t supposed to be true. We didn’t think anything would happen.

Matt Murphy: Nobody believes us. Nobody. But it happened like we said it did. Just like we said. But nobody believes us.

District Attorney Powell: Are you kidding? That’s such a stupid question. Of course it didn’t happen that way.

Professor Clement: It’s an urban legend, of course. A folk tale. It’s pretty old and common in a lot of cultures, actually. And sure, a lot of these urban legends are rooted in fact. And then they grow from there to become supernatural, frightening, and deadly. They’re meant to warn us or explain something or teach a moral lesson. But they’re just stories. Metaphors. Allegories. Fables. In short, they’re pure fiction.

Matt Murphy: We heard about it from some kids in school. It was supposed to be a gag, for a laugh, a stupid little prank, you know.

Kevin Murphy: Scott was such a little runt. Afraid of everything. Everybody made fun of him. This was just one more thing. It was supposed to be just one more thing.

Matt Murphy: We didn’t want to hurt him. Nobody was supposed to get hurt. It was just a joke.

District Attorney Powell: I honestly don’t care what those two say. Somebody did get hurt. Scott Everette got hurt. Scott Everette is dead.

Kevin Murphy: It wasn’t us.

Matt Murphy: I swear we didn’t do it. We didn’t touch him. It was her.

Professor Clement: The urban myth in this instance is one I’m sure you’re all familiar with. It’s pretty common and has been for centuries, though it’s evolved over time, like most myths.

In the modern version, a group of people stand in front of a mirror in a dark room and invoke her through an act of captromancy. This means saying her name a specified number of times. It’s commonly 13 times, as you could imagine.

District Attorney Powell: Look, there were three people in that house in that bathroom on that night. Three. And two of them walked away still alive. Those are the facts.

Matt Murphy: The flashlight on our phones just went out. Scott screamed.

Kevin Murphy: There was so much blood. When our phones came back on. Scott was on the floor. So much blood. And his eyes. We never found them.

Matt Murphy: People say we ate them.

District Attorney Powell: I can’t answer that.

Kevin Murphy: On the floor. On the walls. So much blood.

Matt Murphy: The mirror, though, the mirror was spotless.

Kevin Murphy: I can’t explain what happened.

Matt Murphy: All we did was say a name.

Diagram

—ing to be the day that it finally happens, that i finally open, my hands are shaking already, sweaty, forehead too, not sure if i can do this today, but i said that yesterday, but i didn’t think about it approaching the problem this way yesterday, or any other day for that matter, how long has it been even, i’m not sure, i supposed i could rummage through the newspaper room and look for the oldest issue, but that could take a while and i might not even be able to find it, it could be damaged by this point, depending on how long it’s been there, how long it’s been, plus the searching, taking all of that time to search, would just be an excuse to not go through with it today, or at least attempt to go through with it today, ok, so the system, first let’s go through the system, we’ll call this “1,” so first: is today the day we try the system, if “yes,” then we proceed to “2”, if “no,” then we go to “1a,” ok so “2,” is the date an odd or even number, if “odd”, then we go to “1a,” if “even”, then we proceed to “3,” but first let’s establish what “1a” is and what it means because that’s important on the days that we have to go to “1a” and can’t proceed to “3,” it will happen so we have to know what that means for us and our day inside the house, ok, ok, so “1a,” is the date a prime number, if “yes” then we go to “1a.1” and if “no” then we go to “1b,” ok, ok, that will work I think, no we’re creating this flow, ok so, “1a.1” means that we stay inside and watch pornography and “1b” means we stay inside and read the bible, ok so if “1a.1” there are things we have to decide here as well, so we need to iron out those decisions and possibilities, ok, ok, so “1a.1_1” is the digital or print question, so “1a.1_1” will be what kind of shirt are we wearing, if “buttoned” then go to “1a.1_1_1” which is digital pornography and if “not buttoned” then go to “1a.1_1_2” which is print pornography, and then there are questions and permutations and decisions we have to consider within each of those brackets, but hold on, hold, we need to consider “3,” right, right, we need to at least consider what “3” could look like before we go too far down the branches that only deal with staying inside, because that’s just too tempting and won’t help solve the main issue and that’s what we want to do, that’s why we’re creating this whole thing in the first place, is to solve the problem and open the door and step outside and man are my hands shaking and sweating and my forehead is too and now my armpits and is this becoming too much, no, this is important, ok so “3” is are the neighbor’s sprinklers on, if “yes,” then we’ll go to “4,” if “no,” then we’ll go to “1a” and follow that funnel, which we’ll get back to later, we have to get back to that later because it’s incomplete and leaves too many loose ends, but for now let’s focus on “4,” and if we’re at “4” that means that we’ve decided to try the system and the date is an even number and that the neighbor’s sprinkler system is on, that’s how we got to “4,” and what will “4” be, ok, ok “4” will be has the mail come already and if “yes” then we go to “5” and if “no” then we go to “1a,” which is still incomplete, but we’ll get back to that, ok, ok, we’re making progress, this is good, i feel good, i feel shaky and sweaty and now a little queasy but overall good, once this system is complete, once we have it all figured out, we can pick the day and that day will be the day th—

Pursuit

There are people who want to kill me. It is a known fact. At least, I am told it is a known fact.

It is what my security people tell me. At least, I think they are my security people. They could be people I have paid to impersonate my security people. This is for the safety of my actual security people and myself.

It is because of this constant threat from the people who want to kill me that we have to take these types of precautions. It is supposed to make my life easier.

Every morning at 8:00 am a black sedan pulls up to one of my houses to pick me up. It is not actually me they are picking up. It is instead somebody who looks a lot like me and has been trained to pretend to be me.

I never know which house the black car will pull up to on which day. It might be the me that is at the house with my family, though they are not actually my family. Instead, they are people who look like my family and who we pay to pretend to be my family.

It might be the house that my pretend parents live in. It could be the house one of the me’s pretends to vacation in.

I do not know how many houses I own or how many me’s there are.

There could be more than one black car on a given day picking up on of the many me’s at one of the many houses. I do not know this for sure.

I do know that some of the black cars on the road did not stop at a house and do not have a passenger. I know that this happens sometimes but not all of the time.

After the black cars leave one of the many houses, they will drive one of many routes. This all depends on the scenario they are running that day.

At some point during their drive, one or more white vans will start to follow them. The vans are white because I am told these are the types of vans the people who are trying to kill me typically drive.

We do not know who is in the vans or how many of them there are. We outsource this. I am told this is to protect the integrity of the scenario.

So on any given day there could be any given number of black cars that may or may not have a pretend me as a passenger. And any number of white vans with any number of passengers pretending to be people who want to kill me in pursuit.

There are three things I know to be real: the black cars, the white vans, and the guns and ammunition.

The situations vary depending on the day and the scenario being run on that given day.

All or none of the black cars may be run off the road and all or none of the white vans may win the pursuit, for instance.

Or if, say, 3 of the black cars are run off the road or forced in to an accident, 1 out of those 3 black cars may experience a fatality. The white vans may open fire and kill one of the pretend me’s.

I am told their are trillions of possible permutations in these scenarios, based on the number of black cars that are either carrying a pretend me or are empty and the number of white vans in pursuit and the number of fatalities that may or may not occur.

Every day I sit and wait in my secure bunker for the scenario report. It is a secure location so there are no windows or telephones or televisions or radios or electronics of any kind.

Every day I sit and wait for the report.

Every day somebody who may or may not be my chief security offices comes in and delivers what may or may not be the actual report of the scenario that we may or may not have run that day.

So far, we have run 2,137 scenarios with 2,137 different outcomes.

So far, I am told, there is no way to be sure that I am in fact safe from the people who want to kill me.

Promise

So, you live in the neighborhood? This is, like, your spot and shit? Just saying, you seem to know a lot of people here.

Yeah? Oh, right on. Yeah, haha, that’s not too far to stumble home. Right on.

No, well no, well yeah, I mean, I’ve lived in this neighborhood for like 15 years and shit. Like right above this place, man. Right above. Yeah, yeah, that’s right. I’ve just never been in here before. Seemed like I cool spot, I just—

Hey, let me ask you something, man. Like it’s not a big deal or some deep personal type shit. I just wanted to know.

You ever — no, no, hey, let me get that for you. Yeah, no it’s alright, I got this round. Same again, please. Yeah, I got his too.

So, oh yeah no problem, my pleasure, so like you ever promised somebody something? Like a big one. You don’t have to tell me what it was and shit. Just, like, you ever do that? Give your word and everything?

Yeah? You keep it, man? Did you follow through and everything? You don’t have to answer that. Fuck. Jesus, it’s none of my business, man.

Just saying. I did. Like gave my word and shit. Liked I begged them, to believe me, you know? That’d I’d follow through. This time. The last time was the last time and everything. That’s what I told them. Fucking on my knees and shit man, promising the world and all that, you know?

What? Did I keep — fuck yeah I kept it. I meant that shit. For 15 years, man. Good as my word.

But man, I’ll tell you, man, things change, you know? Just like that. Bam. Done. Gone. Things change. In a flash, an instant, everything. Different.

Kept that shit for 15 years. Good as my word. But things change and now they’re—

Fuck, sorry man. I’m sorry. It’s just fresh. Fucking fresh and raw. Still raw. You know? Like they’re fucking gone, man. And I can’t believe it.

I can still see it. The scene and shit. Bright lights everywhere, man. Broken glass everywhere, man. And they’re fucking face right through—

It’s my fault. Man, it’s all my fault. Stupid fucking argument and I just—I just wasn’t paying attention, man. Wasn’t watching the road.

Let me ask you something. Let me ask you something. No, I’m good. I’m good. Let me ask you: you think I’m a piece of shit, man? You think I’m a bad person?

I mean, 15 years. Good as my word. Not a drop. Not a fucking drop, man. And now. Here I am. You think I’m a piece of shit, man? You do, don’t you. I can see it. Don’t turn away from me. Hey, why you turning away from me?

Alright, fine. Yeah, that’s right. I’m a piece of shit. Hey, everybody, look at me! Look at the piece of shit! Well, whatever. 15 years!

Hey, hey, hey, let’s get another round. Hey, just one more shot. Hey! Don’t you fucking—

Aw shit! Fuck. Damn, no, no, no, I’ll clean it up. Give me a rag. It’s just glass. Nah, he ain’t cut bad, man. C’mon, that ain’t bad.

Fine. Fine. I’m going. Fuck you. Oh yeah? Yeah? Really. Really? Fine. I’ll go.

I’ll be back, though, man.

I promise you I’ll be back.

Layer

If you thought about their headwear, like the style and color and how well it fit or didn’t, or how long they may or may not have owned it, or how many days or weeks or months or years they’d been wearing it, or if it was brand new and thoughtfully chosen to reflect the rest of them, you might come to certain conclusions. Like if you only thought about that, what was on their head.

If you thought about their hair, like how long or short it was, or if it was dyed or natural, or how much time the spent on it each day, like 2 minutes or 2 hours, or if they used a comb or a brush or nothing at all, did they use a blow dryer or a towel or just let it air dry, did they get it cut when their barber or stylist or friends told them to, or did they care or not care or not have the luxury to care, you might come to certain conclusions. Like if you thought about all of those things, when it came to their hair.

If you looked at and took the time and consideration to look at and contemplate their clothes alone, like are they new or old or how long have they had them and did they buy them first or second hand or did they get them at a donation spot or from some discarded pile on the street, is their outfit last year’s style or this year’s style or two decades old or are they way ahead of the time, do they follow or set trends or do they not have the time or energy or luxury or any of those things to care about such things when it comes to their clothes, do they wear one outfit a day or do they switch it up once or twice, do they think it’s acceptable to wear the same pants two days in a row, three days, maybe even four, or do they just wear the same thing all the time, like each and every day, because it makes things simpler or because it’s all they have, that one outfit, you might come to certain conclusions and form certain opinions and make certain judgements. Like if you thought about all of these things, when it came to their clothes alone.

If you thought about their skin alone, like maybe the color or the scars, or lack thereof, or the amount of course or fine body hair, or the lack thereof, or the shade and shape of bruises, or lack thereof, or the freckles or moles, or lack thereof, or whether or not it was smooth or moisturized or dry or cracked or tight or sagging, you might come to certain conclusions. Like if you thought about all of those various things in relation to their skin alone.

If you thought about their organs alone, like how well they function and are they the right color and do they hurt from time to time, would they be able to donate their organs or are they even an organ donor or do they care about other people enough to donate their organs, will their organs function 10 years or 10 months or 10 days or 10 minutes from now, will they systematically shut down or will it be something else, you might come to certain conclusions and make certain assumptions and make some predictions. Like if you thought about all of those various and diverse things in relation to their organs alone.

If you thought about them on a cellular level alone, like if you thought about them on some deep fundamental level, like if you thought about their atoms and the vibrations and the frequencies and the fact that it’s all just manifestations of energy coming together to form some sort of corporeal form that we neither fully know or understand or even own, we just inhabit for an unspecified amount of time that’s beyond our control and then we don’t, inhabit that, and we just become the energy we once and always were and like how it’s really the same recycled energy and like how we might have at one time been their headwear, their hair, their clothes, their skin, their organs, like we might have once been the same on a cellular level, you might come to certain profound and inescapable and ineffable conclusions. Like if you took the time and effort and the consideration, like if you took one god damned fucking moment to slow down and consider all of these various things concerning them on a cellular level.

Lion

There’s a structure with bars, sleek and black and vertical. There’s a man in a suit, slim-fitting and black with vertical lines. There’s a small son beside him, with hair that’s slicked back and black and fine.

There’s an animal behind the bars of the structure, wild and captive and pacing. There’s the man and the son close by on the other side, above it all and still and watching.

There’s a thick mane of hair and sharp claws. There’s an expensive gold watch and a corporate expense card. There’s sticky candy-coated fingers and a tiny red toy car.

There’s a thing the man says to the son: “I can’t help but feel sad. This, this is making me sad.”

There’s the thing the son says to the man: “Why?”

“That’s an apex predator, the lion. A keystone, too. Two predators in one. An apex and a keystone. It’s at the top of the food chain. It has a significant and disruptive affect on its environment relative to its population size.

There’s a lesson here. This thing that I can’t help but feel a little sad about, it can teach you a few things.”

“What are those? The things it can teach?”

“Maybe it’s just one thing. One lesson”

“And?”

“Don’t get caught.”

———————————————————————

There’s a structure with a bullet-proof partition, a steel and sterile and guarded structure. There’s a man in a jumpsuit, one-piece and monotone and state-issued. There’s a son, older now, in hand-me-downs that are a style not at all his own.

There’s the thing the son says to the man: “I can’t help but feel a little sad. This, this is making me sad.”

There’s the thing the man says to the son: “Why?”

“I thought you were two predators in one. This was a thing I thought to be true.

But there’s a lesson here. In this place and this man and this thing that’s making me sad. There’s something I needed to learn.”

“And?”

“Don’t get caught.”