Summary

An open letter to the people of Waterstown, Indiana,

Listen, the long-and-short of it is that there’s nothing really to talk about. Things happened, as they are want to do from time-to-time. I mean, things happen every day, am I right? I don’t see why y’all have to make a big to-do over this.

Yes, I’ll admit that shit went down at Bob’s Bar on Main Street. We all know they did, so there ain’t no point in me trying to deny it or say otherwise. But, and I think y’all all know this is true, Bob’s been having it coming his way for a long time. A long god damn time.

I can’t say it was self defense or that I was defending somebody’s honor or that it was a wrong-place-wrong-time type of deal. It weren’t. It weren’t none of them things. Fact of the matter is, I just couldn’t stand that son of a bitch any longer. So, yeah, we got into it. I hit the man. More than a few times. The only thing I slightly regret is pouring that bottle of Glenlivet 18 year all over that man’s body. That scotch deserved better.

And yeah, since we’re being honest, we all know about Greg’s tractor. Hell, there’s photos on Facebook about the whole ordeal. Listen, since we’re being truthful, I don’t rightly have a good explanation on that one. In short, I may have had one too many, I saw a tractor, and it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I do apologize to Mary Walton’s mailbox, Steven Altman’s picket fence (lord knows he just finished painting that thing), and to little miss Julie’s dog (may that pup make a speedy recovery, God willing and the creek don’t rise).

And I’d like to issue a formal apology to Marsha Winston and her husband Mike. I know it weren’t right what I did. To stand out front of a married woman’s house at 3 in the damn morning holding up a boombox like in that John Cusack movie. Well, I know that weren’t right. And I should’ve left when I was asked to. I know that now.

But listen, y’all. The short of it is that nothing’s really changed. Yes, some things happened. Ok, yes, I done did some things I ain’t to proud of. But which one of us hasn’t?

Ain’t nothing really changed, folks. If you take a good and hard look at it. Our town is still the best in the whole of Indiana, our property taxes is low, and local businesses have been thriving of late (that reminds me, I will pay for the repairs to Ike’s Ice Cream Parlor on 5th. On my honor, I will).

So, for fucks sake, can’t we just all move on from this? Live and let live and all. I think it’d do our little town a world of good.

Sincerely,
William P. Hallstad
Mayor of Waterstown, Indiana